As a child, I went to church semi-regularly with my family. I remember going to Sunday school and VBS. I remember struggling to memorize my Bible verses and reciting my lines for the Christmas Play (Happy Birthday Jesus!). I asked Jesus to come into my heart and save me. I proudly sat through my Confirmation classes, and I would always tell people in troubled times that I would pray for them. The memories that I made with my friends in the youth group at church are some of my favorite memories. When it came time to get married, I was adamant that we would marry in a church. I prayed. I took Communion. I read my Bible. I believed in God, and I believed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior. But I wasn't a Christian, or maybe I should say I wasn't a Christian in the ways that God had called me to be. I was just blindly going through the motions, and I was doing a poor job of it.
I would watch any show or movie that I wanted regardless of the content. I would listen to any song that I wanted regardless of the lyrics. When I was presented with a situation that tested my resolve, I usually bowed out and hid behind 'do not judge lest ye be judged.' I do not like confrontation, so I would tend to sin by silence and ignore whatever sinful activities were around me. Sometimes I would even participate. When I was confronted with a differing world view than my own, I would argue but it was always for the wrong reasons. I argued my point with the objective of winning the argument rather than using my words to bring glory to God. I was prideful, conceited, quick to anger, and hypocritical.
When I met an acquaintance of my husband's, one of the first things that I did was invite him to go to church with us. Good, dutiful Christian behavior, right?! He declined and began arguing his point about how all he's ever seen in church are pews full of hypocrites. People who smile at you while you're at church but won't speak to you at the grocery store. So, what did I do? I showed him just how hypocritical Christians can be by angrily arguing my point and nearly refusing to speak to him afterwards. For years afterwards. I was such a poor witness it's appalling that I haven't seen it before now.
Yes, I read my Bible. Sort of. I'd read it in the way that you read a fictional storybook instead of like the pure truth that it is. I read it out of duty, but I should have been reading it for strength, guidance, and wisdom. I used scripture in the way that you choose foods off of a buffet; I took the parts I liked and left the parts I didn't. Yes, I prayed. Sort of. I'd pray in the same way that a child asks Santa for toys at Christmas instead of the thankful worship I should have been offering up to God every day. I prayed sporadically at best and most times it was to ask for something, like I had any reason to believe that I should deserve anything. I was not really a Christian. A Christian is the type of person like James and John who would drop everything, including family, to follow Christ just as they were called to do. A Christian is a person like Peter who stepped out of a boat onto crashing waves because Jesus called him. A true Christian would model themselves after Christ, not other Christians.
Just a few months ago I had my spiritual eyes opened to the mediocre way that I was living. I had always known the right way to live, it is just that I never actually accepted the fact that I was living the wrong way. After all, I was a good Christian relative to many of the others around me. I'm not entirely sure when the revelation happened, but it has been growing more and more evident each and every day. I think I began to see myself more critically when J was born. I knew that I wanted him to grow up in a good, Christian home, and I began to notice the things that weren't very Christ-like of me. I made a conscious decision 'walk the walk' everyday.
My personal changes started in my classroom. My first few years of teaching were spent treating the difficult students like difficult students and the good students like good students. Those old ways went out the window. I made an effort to see my students as people rather than as empty buckets that I was just supposed to pour knowledge into. Your perspective changes when you learn that you have a cutter, a suicidal student, a student who rarely gets a meal at home, a victim of molestation, and a few foster children in your classroom everyday. I started trying to nurture them as best I could (and as far as I am allowed).
Then I noticed that my habits were in need of an overhaul. I began reading my Bible for guidance and reassurance. I began praying continually, selflessly, and thankfully. And when I was tested with a person who claimed that all Christians are hypocrites, I did my best to show him that there is at least one exception. That acquaintance of my husband's, I began treating him differently as well. Rather than being an arrogant, pretentious example of a Christian, I began trying to be a loving example of the Body of Christ with open arms and healing hands.
Am I perfect? Absolutely not! I fail each and every day. But, I'm faithful enough to get up and try again tomorrow. I'm still growing, and I have a very long way to go. I'm vastly different than I was a year ago, and I'm hopeful that I keep changing for the better.
Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me---the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.
