thankful in the struggles

Its one o'clock in the morning. I'm awakened by my baby, but this time it's not his cries that stir me it's his voice. The sound of a baby as he tries out his newly found ability to speak. He's saying 'ma-ma.' As I walk towards his bed, my eyes still heavy with sleep, he lets out a squeal of excitement. It's one o'clock in the morning, and all he wants to do is play.

I pick him up and use my best stern, no nonsense voice to explain to him that it's time to sleep not play.  He looks up at me with those big, confused, ocean blue eyes and I can tell he's not going to go back to sleep without a fight. So, I decide to fight it. I'm just so sleepy, and I have to work in the morning. And I'm the parent, so what I say goes. 

We lay down in our bed and I stroke his hair and sing 'Amazing Grace' hoping the song will lull him back to sleep. He lays there patiently until I hit 'a wretch like me' and he starts rolling over to crawl. This isn't going to work, so I decide to rock him and sing my other go to song, 'Go To Sleep Little Baby.' He sits patiently for a couple of verses, but eventually sits up and starts 'talking' to me. I assume he's asking why on Earth I'm trying to get him to go to sleep when he's obviously not sleepy, or maybe that's just what I am asking myself. This cycle continues for another half hour until I finally give up and go play. It's funny how such little people can have such big determination.

We move to the living room, and we both get in the floor. It's now close to 2:00 in the morning and I'm sitting in the floor sending tiny racecars down a little red racetrack. I'm trying my best not to wish for the sleep I'm missing, but it's hard. I'm trying to be grateful for these moments, just me and my boy, but right now all I can think about is the fact that I have to get up in three hours and be all I can be for both my son and the multitude of students that file in and out of my classroom each day.

It's in this moment that I'm most thankful for my baby. It sounds crazy, but it's in the most difficult moments in parenting my healthy, predictable son that I'm most thankful to God for the blessing of being his mother. It's in the struggle that I see how blessed I truly am. Now, I'm not trying to win any awards for being the perfect mother here, I'm just wanting to share my heart. I'm also not in any way saying that it's easier to be thankful for your child when you don't have extraordinary circumstances in raising him. I'm just reflecting on the way God has spoken to me recently.

When all I want to do is sleep but my baby has other plans, I'm thinking of all the mothers who are losing sleep praying for their sick children and hoping that their babies can hold on through one more day. When all I want to do is eat my meal without being interrupted but my baby wants to be held, I'm thinking about all the mothers who never got to hold their angel baby or the mothers who have had to hold their baby knowing that it would be the very last time. When I'm tired in the afternoons after work and all I want is a nap but my sweet boy wants to go outside to play, I'm thinking of all the babies who are stuck in hospital rooms  whose parents would give everything they had to be able to take their healthy child outside to play.

I've had my eyes opened recently. In the past week I've seen a mother to three small children who has been given more hardship than I could ever imagine face the reality that she may lose one of her precious children to cancer, yet she remains graceful and unshakeably faithful. She has been and continues to be a wonderful example for Christian mothers and Christians in general to follow. I've heard the story of a pregnant woman who has been told that the first time she'll get to hold her precious baby will also be the last yet she remains faithful in her walk. I've been introduced to a mother who has had to bury her teenage son after a year long battle with a childhood cancer yet she continues to glorify God, including in her attempts to help other mothers and families cope with the loss of a child. 

It's humbling, really. Here I am dreading that little voice calling 'ma-ma' in the night because I know it means no more sleep while there are so many mothers in this world who would give everything they have to be in my situation right now. My 'struggles' are so trivial in light of everything that is happening in the world around me, yet here I am pitying myself over a couple of lost hours of sleep. 

I'm certain that this is The Holy Spirit speaking directly to me, and I'm listening. I'm humbled. I'm blessed. No matter what circumstances we're given, God is in control. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.