when Jesus tells you my story

 

When I open my eyes in the morning, there's this moment where my mind believes all is right. Then reality settles on me and I feel like I may suffocate. 

My belly is empty, my arms are empty, your bed is empty. You're still gone. 

Your brother fills our bed and hearts as best as he can in your absence, but there will always be a missing piece. For him, for your daddy, and for me. 

I know I have to get up, get dressed, and get through yet another day. I know I have a little boy who depends on me, my smile, my faith, and my love. I know your daddy needs his wife back. Her smile, her laugh, her confidence, and her sunshine.

So many days I just want to stay there in bed. Let the weight of my brokenness bear down with all its might, crush me into dust, so I can be with you. There have been times the Enemy sneaks his way into my thoughts and whispers things. Things that make my faith shudder. Things that my worldly self can't help but think but my faith knows aren't of God. The Enemy knows when to strike and he strikes at my weakest moments, in the early light of morning when the uncertainties of the day taunt me. 

"God cares? How can a loving God take your baby?"

"This isn't fair. People abort healthy babies every day, and God still allowed your child to die." 

"God can't be perfect, because this has to be an awful mistake." 

People tell me I'm strong. People have said I'm amazing. People have told me that I am inspiring. I wish those words helped, but they make me feel like a fraud. I am far from any of those things. If these people could see me in the mornings, if they could hear my early thoughts, they would know that I am so very weak. So overwhelmed. 

So broken. 

I have this image. You're a little boy, with strawberry-blonde hair, climbing into the lap of Jesus. You spend your days in Love and Light, but still you want to know about your earthly mommy. 

So Jesus tells you my story. 

And when I have moments where I feel like the weight of it all is going to suffocate me, when the Enemy sneaks his way into my thoughts, I choose Joy. Because I am going to live my life in such a way that you can both be proud of me when Jesus tells you the story of my life. 

I choose to be thankful for the short time we were blessed to have you, rather than bitter because our selfish hearts wanted more. 

I choose to be fearless and walk by Faith, rather than fearful of what else this world may hold. 

I choose Joy.

I choose Victory. 

I choose Grace. 

So when people see me, mother of two with only one child to hold, I pray they understand that it's not me that's strong. It's Christ in me that's strong. 

And when people see me, mommy with an 'inspiring' faith in the face of unimaginable heartache, I pray they would also have a faith in Jesus so strong that it could carry them through the difficult parts of their own stories. 

And when people see me, a woman who chooses to let Jesus's light shine through every crack in her broken heart, I pray they will, too, choose to be a beacon for His Light in this dark world

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

[9] But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. [10] That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Reader, 

If you were 'inspired' by my letter to my sweet Luke, please be so inspired that you take action in some way. In any way. Do not let this inspiration stop at words. If you don't know Christ, choose Victory. Call to Him and He will save you. If you don't know how, ask me. If I can't help you, I know who can. 

If you do know Christ, be the Light. Choose Joy and choose Grace. Choose to give and receive Grace every day. And choose to share Christ with those around you, so that when Jesus tells your story He can do it with a smile on His face.